keep showing up ~ the heart of this running matter


Last week I wrote about falling out of love with running.  That was really hard for me to write because running has always been part of my life.  After I posted that, I went home and found myself thinking about this.  Why do I feel like this?  Part of it is that my half marathon training has gone to s***.  Seriously, will this winter weather weather go away and let spring have her moment?

I am also tired.  But I did not realize until then that more than anything, I am frustrated... of not losing weight. Holy s***! This slammed me like a ton of bricks because, while I do not love being overweight, I have never let that be a factor that affects decisions in my life.  As a background—on 2010 I had my thyroid removed and since then it has been a constant weight fight.  But I think the heaviest I have been is now, even though I watch what I eat and exercise. My doctor thinks stress has a lot to do with it—marriage and instant full-time stepmotherhood, has been quite a change and especially stepmotherhood, brings a lot of stress to my life.  It has been really hard to loose the weight these past three years and I’m stumped. So I've been in a funk about it.

In many ways, I am letting my weight dictate my attitude and I did not realize it. Ugh.  I feel like a fake—for real.  But, I think realizing this was helpful.  Because running is not about how you look but about the passion for the sport.  I also decided that while, I am training for a half, to also do a few runs without timing myself.  Zen-runner is how I define myself-- not dependent on timing.  But for this training, I am having my dandy GPS with me and I think that is adding a lot to my stress.  That pressure of meeting a certain goal time is crazy and one of the reasons I don’t do races very often. 

My husband is full-speed ahead that I should still do the half and just go and have fun with it.  He is a great motivator and is so excited for me (probably because he isn’t the one running…lol).

Fast forward to today-- there I was at work watching the Boston Marathon as history unfolded in front of my eyes, and I found myself bawling my eyes out thinking "this is why I love running". As Des Linden just dug deep in the freezing rain, she crossed the line and became the first American to with the Boston Marathon since 1985.  After many attempts, she conquered this course and made it HER race. Then Sarah Sellers-- a rookie at marathons came in second.  Seven out of the top 10 women were Americans. All these dreams came true.  Yes!

Suddenly I realized why I love running so much.  It is pure in every sense of the words. It is you against yourself.  And just like that... I was reminded why I just can quit running. Not only because I simply--  LOVE IT.  But because it brings out the best in me.  And that is a great place to be. So as Desi Linden said today (which is now my new mantra)

keep showing up!